Dear Lt. Pike,

I’m preparing for a first date this evening with a girl I picked up at a Burger King drive thru window (I was driving she was working the window). Any tips for making a good first impression?

Yeah, first tip, stop eating at Burger King. Second, bring pepper spray. Not to use, but to wag at her during a lull in the conversation. I can’t back this up but I think women love a big red canister. Important: do not remove the safety pin before wagging or you WILL spray her until her eyes bleed.

Get some!

- Lt. John Pike