I have about 2 years’ experience with Zyprexa now. It really has changed my life in ways I can’t even describe. I’ve gotten to know what it feels like to be almost “normal”, to not have every situation, discussion, or interaction seem like an emergency or pressing or super-important, to not be completely dragged into by every emotion I experience—to be able to have a conversation without stressing over whether it’s important or not, or whether I’ve offended someone.

But I’m really tired of it pretty much destroying my enjoyment of anything. Nothing is interesting. I have absolutely no motivation when I’m on it—I have to force myself to do things. I don’t feel like doing anything but sleeping. I pretty much lose interest in just about everything. I feel totally uncreative on it.

It also makes me very airheaded and forgetful. Sometimes I feel like I’m really stupid because of all the numerous things I can’t remember.

The past two nights I’ve taken half a pill, tonight I only took a quarter of a pill. Already in the past two days I’ve felt a lot more edgy and irritable over small things, I know that’s only going to become even more apparent when the drug is out of my system. But I also feel like talking more, and discussing how I feel about things more—I miss that.

I look forward to feeling creative again. I don’t look forward to mania. I don’t look forward to the worry I feel about whether I’m going to say something caustic to someone.

I’ve learned a lot from these couple years with Zyprexa—some of the biggest lessons:

In a discussion, nothing short of a life-or-death situation is THAT important. If I wasn’t able to state some “big” idea in time to fit into the discussion, it’s no big deal. I don’t have to impress anyone, even myself.

I don’t really think that deep of thoughts. I’m very superficial in many ways—I used to think I was just SO deep. Sure, I may think about different things, but that doesn’t make me any deeper than anyone else, it just means I think about different things.

I’m not special. Nobody is special really. So I should stop worrying about it.

_________________
Political Buddies

For now I'm going to remain taking half. I wasn't able to get to sleep on just a 1/4.

_________________
Political Buddies

Well, I'm going to go back to the full pill again. After a big reminder today of what it's like, I know I'm not ready right now. Maybe after the new year I'll be ready.

_________________
Political Buddies

Sounds like a tough call either way.

_________________
Frrrrrt!